The Varia Rulebook
by Eclipse Rose
Summary: Xanxus goes on a vacation, Squalo is in charge and he finds... the rulebook. Madness happens. Assassin nuns, Varia in dresses, you get the idea. Hints of Shounen-ai


THE VARIA RULEBOOK

**The Varia Rulebook**

--

At times, in the Varia manor/headquarters/what is it (it is below a church, anyways, Vongola the Second orders. Betcha weren't expecting THAT one), there are some events that are rather… disturbing.

So disturbing they cannot be told to the public.

Like, for instance, the event that brought Lussuria into the strongest seven. Better not tell it.

Or when Bel first arrived, or the time Xanxus entered Squalo's room on accident (screams here, screams there and swords flying everywhere…).

But one of the most memorable in the records, was when Squalo found The Rulebook.

Also known as the day Xanxus said something he never thought he was going to say:

"I'm taking a vacation."

And hell broke lose.

--

"Xanxus!" Sawada Tsunayoshi (also known as Don Vongola, Vongola Decimo, Dame Tsuna, Herbivore, the rabbit, whatever) ran through the airport, following his double-his-size almost-underling (because he was, but would never accept it, and Tsuna was too nice to force him to) and the father of said almost-underling, his predecesor and mentor, Vongola Nono. "Timoteo-san!" As you may notice, Xanxus gets no honorific due to certain past events.

The old man stopped, and so did his they-are-too-many escort. Xanxus, however, and his personal sending-off party (Squalo, Levi and Mammon), kept on walking.

"Tsunayoshi. I trust you will take care of the family while I'm away."

"Yes, sir. You don't have to worry about that, I'll make sure he doesn't slack off." Reborn bowed slightly at his ex-boss, forcing Tsuna to do the same with a glare.

"H-Hai!" Tsuna smiled and the world was blinded, but he quickly recovered his boss-y attitude. "Are you sure you will be alright? Should we increase security?"

"I'm sure about it! Besides, I have Xanxus with me."

"That's what I'm worried about, sir."

Meanwhile, Xanxus and the Varia were already discuting randomness and more randomness. Like…

"Mammon, try to keep Bel in chains if Yamamoto isn't there. Levi, kill whoever looks wrong at the nuns. Tell them to stop being so pure and white and have some fun every once in a while. Squalo, you're in charge." And without saying even bye, he turned around and left through the gate.

Levi felt like screaming and hitting everything and everyone with a large, blunt object.

But then there was Hibari Kyouya glaring at him and he controlled himself.

When Vongola Nono and his they-are-too-many escort got in the plane, the sending off party left.

Half an hour later, the Varia entered their church. Squalo stayed overground to relay the message to the nuns.

And he was walking besides the crucifix.

And then something fell from the sky.

A black notebook.

A black notebook dated from the founding of the Varia.

The Varia Rulebook.

It was clearly a message from God.

--

"Hey, has any of you seen Squalo?" Yamamoto Takeshi was a weird one. He had responsibilities as both a Guardian and a Varia, so he switched. Why, exactly, had he accepted to be in the Varia, don't ask. He was a Takeshi. And so, this week he had to be a Varia.

"Shishishi, no one has seen him since Boss left!" Bel, sitting on a sofa as he was, using all the space, looked really like a prince. He was dangling knives in his fingers, and making them stand straight inside a coup. He was bored, clearly.

"Though, I wonder where he is, hm… If he isn't here, then who is going to enjoy this apple pie I just made?" Lussuria came out of the kitchen, carrying a freshly baked apple pie.

The apple pie didn't stand a chance.

--

"Yes, it is."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, it seems to be the original. It was thought to have been lost in the Great Fire in 1926, but here you have it. If you want to, we could send it over to the lab to check it out."

"Eh- You can?"

"It isn't that hard. Just a few ink tests and they will know exactly in what era it was written. But that's Giotto Vongola's Flame, it shows legitimacy."

"I see…"

"Now, because it is original, it is an extremately valuable piece of history. It would be best if you saved it for Xanxus to see before messing with it, or make a back up copy and save this one."

"So I see…"

"Do you need anything else, Squalo?"

"No…"

"Then I shall get back to work."

"Wait!"

"What?"

"Whatever I write here, becomes a rule for the Varia to follow, right?"

"Yes. But you're a Varia too, so don't go messing with it too much."

"I see. Thank you, runt."

"It was nothing, Squalo. Now get out."

After the silver-haired assassin left, Tsunayoshi sighed and burnt his paperwork.

"What did he want?" Spanner appeared out of nowhere and took out some sushi… out of nowhere too.

"Prepare to record some randomness over at the Varia headquarters, Squalo is going to mess with the rulebook."

"And I thought things were bad when Ginger Bread took hold of Melone Base…"

"Doesn't even compare."

--

**Added Rule Num****ber 1: **Every Varia member shall undergo initiation.

**Added Rule Num****ber 2: **Old Varia members must undergo initiation too.

**Added Rule Num****ber 3: **Every Varia member undergoing initiation shall wear a dress.

**Added Rule Number 4: **Every Varia member shall join the cooking of a giant wedding cake.

Four new rules had just appeared in the panel. It didn't say why, how or who had written them, they were just… there.

Lussuria dropped the laundry. His eyes widened in shock and he opened his mouth to scream but no sound came out for a few seconds. After that…

"Oh my God how MARVELOUS! Now I can finally dress up Mammon-chan and Bel-chan and Takeshi-kun and Levi-kun and the nuns… Oh gods the nuns are already wearing dresses! NO! Oh, well, at least I can make them try on the lovely aprons I designed and…" and his rambling continued.

Hey, it was Lussuria, what were you expecting.

--

Through what was left of the day, various screams were heard along the Varia headquarters. Slowly, they were discovering the new set of rules, though they didn't know who it was that wrote them.

Squalo sniggered, and helped Lussuria add the final touches to Bel's gothic Lolita dress.

--

"Oh, how lovely! They match!" And match they did.

Mammmon and Bel, I mean.

The Sweet Lolita and the Gothic Lolita.

Mammon had even left go of the chains, and Bel had tied his hair back, showing his creepy, purplish eyes. Both of them wore make-up, perfectly applied by Squalo (who knew he knew how to apply it?), Lussuria and a nun; tiny bonnets, gloves, high shoes, and certainly looked lovely. They sat together on an armchair, giving some fanservice for the photographing nuns.

Behind them, still trying to figure out how on earth did these shoes go goddamnit, was a neko-maid Levi. Creepy wasn't enough to describe what he looked like.

Sitting a little farther, looking at a mirror and applying make-up for the fun of it, was Yamamoto, dressed in an Elegant Gothic Lolita dress/cape thing. He looked… like a vampire. A certain nun, one with an addiction for vampire tales, had helped him in the get up.

Lussuria himself had gone slightly more traditional, wearing a Chinese styled long and tight green dress with dragon designs. He had wanted to wear a kimono, but the rule maker (who had been contacting them through the Panel) had said it wasn't a dress, so it didn't count.

Squalo, of course, wasn't dressed up. This caught Levi's interest and he immediately complained.

"WHY AREN'T YOU WEARING A DRESS YOU SON OF A-"

At which Squalo answered taking out an album out of nowhere (it was titled 'Squalo cross-dressing archive. Xanxus property, don't touch!', which was creepy enough) and selected one photo to show to them.

"Undercover mission at the wedding?"

Lussuria nodded, since Squalo had already worn a dress, thus had already been initiated to the Varia. And what a lovely woman he had made!

"You were one beautiful bride, Squalo."

"Thank you." The named assassin put away the photo album into nowhere, from where fell a small notebook. He picked it up, looked at the title and laughed before putting it away. "Now, the wedding cake! CAKE!"

"Cake!" Lussuria and Belphegor just had to add fuel to the fire and ran outside in their dresses and heels and all.

"I want some cake too…" Mammon fixed his hair (the fanservice had messed him up. Oh, well, everything for money) and followed his fellow Varia outside.

--

When Xanxus came back, Yamamoto and Bel gave him the report nobody had asked them to write, and the Varia strongest stood in a semi-circle around their Boss (Bosses, since Squalo was sitting in the armrest of Xanxus chair, the rulebook from hell in hand). Mammon squeezed Belphegor's hand, and the Prince squeezed back and played with one of his knives. Yamamoto's gaze wandered on the walls (he always did enjoy Squalo's decoration sense… was that a head?), not wanting to see Xanxus' scars resurfacing. Levi mouthed commands to whatever spying nun was outside the window, and said nun shouted orders to the Varia on the garden, who were trying to fix the broken fountain and the remnants of the wedding cake. Lussuria was being himself, talking nonsense while the Boss read the report.

Finally the dreaded sentence came.

"This," Xanxus began, "is what you bastards have been doing in my absence?"

"It was Squalo's fault!" Levi's yell woke Squalo from whatever rulemaking trance he was at.

Levi almost had a heart attack when a sword flew past his ear.

"…" Xanxus eyes the report once more, then looked up at Squalo. "I hereby name you oficial rule maker of the Varia."

And the Varia suffered.

It suffered very, very much.

--

**Omake**

Tsunayoshi received a copy of the 80Bel report (along with an illusion from Mukuro: 80 Belphegors dancing polka. Damned Mukuro), with a sidenote from Xanxus (with some relationship counseling from Lussuria).

"_We are alive, thanks for worrying. But never allow myself to get a vacation ever again. There are still pieces of cake in the rooftop. Xanxus." _

Tsuna sighed, wondering why exactly he was never able to get any cake in a wedding.

--

I apologize if the religious jokes made in this offended anyone reading it.

I IS ALIVE! NOO! Fear me, people, I'm alive and bring with me... drums, please… CRACK!

Yes! Tons of crack! For various fandoms! Even a long-term Harry Potter one, and a SERIOUS!Kingdom Hearts series. OMG if I have the time.

We never have enough time.

Thus here he have KHR crack that has been dancing around my head for a while now, because I love Squalo. Takeshi is a Varia because I needed someone to report, other than Bel… just kidding, I just wanted him to be one . .. They are good friends, don't worry, they won't destroy half the manor… church… whatever. And the nuns are Varia too, though minor and mainly used for undercover spionage (assassin nuns! I'll pull vampires on you soon).

Melone Base: Sho-chan's box. The base. The movable rooms.

Tsuna's omake… well, if I ever write the 'wedding undercover mission' you'll get it.


End file.
